In a strong show of diversity and celebration of different world cultures, Sega’s own Shadow the Hedgehog has taken to shouting ‘cunt’ during the Olympic soccer competition, like a filthy fucking bogan.
“I started hanin’ out with that echidna, ya know? I mean, I always thought he was a mean fucker, but once you get to know him, you really get to like the cunt. Guess a bit rubbed off on me, but we’re at the Olympics! Aussies don’t get enough representation, y’know? They’re fuckin’ tops, ay,” the black and edgy hedgehog told us in an interview after the match. “And please, call me Shadow the Drop Bear from now on.”
Sonic, on the other hand, seemed worried about his friendly rival. “I get that they say it a lot there, but aren’t the Olympics supposed to be rated E for Everyone?” he told us, while watching Shadow struggle to play a didgeridoo. “And isn’t he being, I don’t know… culturally insensitive or something? I mean, he’s not Australian. Technically, he’s not even an Earthling. Isn’t that appropriation? I’m a little worried about how Knuckles is gonna take this.”
After we spoke with Sonic, Shadow pulled our reporter aside to tell her, “Never liked that Sonic. He’s a sketchy cunt.”
“Yeee-OOOH!” Knuckles yelled in a loud cry when our reporters approached him for comment.
“’nah, that cunt’s alright,” the Australian ex-patriot told us. “He fuckin’ gets it, y’know? I’m glad I’ve got someone to get proper munted with now. After I left ‘straya, I felt a bit lonely, y’know? Homesick, and all that. That Shadow really makes me feel like I’ve got a mate again. Might even take that mad cunt to a bush doof someday. Introduce him to some pingaz and shit.”
Sadly, we had to leave when Nintendo’s Censorship Security Force arrived to issue the teammates a warning. We’ll continue our coverage of Mario & Sonic at the Rio 2016 Olympic Games, which is going on now on the Nintendo Wii U. Get it before it’s patched, cunts.